Reasons to love (and leave) the Netherlands
Doe normaal
The invisible rule that governs everything about Dutch culture
I live in rural Zeeland, the conservative heart of the Netherlands. Far from the internationalized cities of the Randstad.
And here, I get stared at.
A lot.
Not the quick glance of curiosity you might get anywhere if you’re different. This is a sustained, evaluative observation — the kind where someone holds eye contact just a bit too long, their gaze steady and assessing.
My husband doesn’t always notice it, though he’s the opposite of observant and he is Dutch, so maybe he’s just used to it. But even he acknowledges noticing that people do a double-take when we walk by.
But the staring is undeniable once you see it.
And here, I get stared at.
A lot.
Not the quick glance of curiosity you might get anywhere if you’re different. This is a sustained, evaluative observation — the kind where someone holds eye contact just a bit too long, their gaze steady and assessing.
My husband doesn’t always notice it, though he’s the opposite of observant and he is Dutch, so maybe he’s just used to it. But even he acknowledges noticing that people do a double-take when we walk by.
But the staring is undeniable once you see it.
Two. Separate. Gift cards. To hit the number exactly.
It took me a while to understand what I was being judged for. I wasn’t doing anything obviously wrong — I wasn’t rude or breaking any rules that I could identify.
I was merely…existing.
Existing in a way that was somehow noticeably different from everyone around me.
Maybe it’s the way I dress a bit like a 90’s hippie, or my nose ring and tattoos. Maybe it’s that my husband and son both wear a top knot — in the States, people have enjoyed this saying, “Well, at least it’s obvious who this child belongs to.”
Maybe it’s the English speaking.
I eventually realized that it’s all of it.
What I was violating was the central commandment of Dutch culture: doe normaal.
I was merely…existing.
Existing in a way that was somehow noticeably different from everyone around me.
Maybe it’s the way I dress a bit like a 90’s hippie, or my nose ring and tattoos. Maybe it’s that my husband and son both wear a top knot — in the States, people have enjoyed this saying, “Well, at least it’s obvious who this child belongs to.”
Maybe it’s the English speaking.
I eventually realized that it’s all of it.
What I was violating was the central commandment of Dutch culture: doe normaal.
What is doe normaal?
Doe normaal is the shortened version of the unspoken rule of Dutch society. The full phrase exists in two variations: “Doe maar normaal, dan doe je al gek genoeg.” and “Doe maar gewoon, dan doe je al gek genoeg.”
Those of you who are bothered by the use of "normal" instead of "normally" here, this is deliberate. And I promise it will be discussed later.
Both phrases roughly translate to, “Just act normal, that’s crazy enough already.” But as people do, the Dutch tend to shorten this in everyday conversation to simply, “doe normaal” — act normal.
At first glance, “act normal” seems reasonable enough. Don’t be dramatic. Don’t make a scene. It’s a call for moderation, for keeping things in perspective.
Some people — usually those defending Dutch culture to outsiders — will tell you it means “be yourself, don’t try to be somebody else.” Others interpret it as pressure to conform to societal expectations.
I can tell you how I experience it as an immigrant in rural Zeeland.
At first glance, “act normal” seems reasonable enough. Don’t be dramatic. Don’t make a scene. It’s a call for moderation, for keeping things in perspective.
Some people — usually those defending Dutch culture to outsiders — will tell you it means “be yourself, don’t try to be somebody else.” Others interpret it as pressure to conform to societal expectations.
I can tell you how I experience it as an immigrant in rural Zeeland.
Living normaal
After living here and watching how it’s deployed, I’d translate it as: Behave in a socially acceptable way, because humans in society are already bizarre enough.
And what is normaal in this context? It’s not how you individually feel is correct. It’s how everyone else behaves. It’s the social standard. The communal norm.
Or more bluntly: Don’t make a fuss. Don’t be weird. Don’t stand out. Keep your head down, blend in, and for heaven’s sake, don’t inconvenience anyone else with your existence.
This is the cultural bedrock of Dutch life. It explains so much of what I will come to write about.
And what is normaal in this context? It’s not how you individually feel is correct. It’s how everyone else behaves. It’s the social standard. The communal norm.
Or more bluntly: Don’t make a fuss. Don’t be weird. Don’t stand out. Keep your head down, blend in, and for heaven’s sake, don’t inconvenience anyone else with your existence.
This is the cultural bedrock of Dutch life. It explains so much of what I will come to write about.
The American antithesis
As an American, this becomes very complicated because doe normaal is the exact opposite of how Americans are brought up.
American culture, now more than ever, celebrates standing out. Be yourself at all costs. Express your individuality. Make your mark.
People like to think the American dream is about having a house with a white-picket fence in the suburbs with a single working parent and two and a half kids with a dog. Stepford wives style.
But it’s not.
The American dream is fundamentally about exceptionalism, about being not normal, about rising above the ordinary. We’re taught from childhood that being average or normal is something to avoid, even be ashamed of.
Dolly Parton, Rosa Parks, Lady Gaga, RuPaul, and even Oprah Winfrey. Love them or hate them, these people are all famous for being who they are, unapologetically, and being seen as exceptional because of it. The nail that sticks up doesn’t get hammered down in America — it gets a book deal and a TED talk, or becomes the President despite having no idea what you’re doing.
So living in a culture where the central directive is ‘blend in, don’t stand out, normal is the goal’ creates constant cognitive dissonance.
Oddly, you actually can speak your mind in the Netherlands, arguably more directly than in America. But you’d better not be emotional about it. Work through the feelings in private, then present your conclusions calmly and rationally.
A lot of Americans process externally, throwing all their feelings at whoever is around. And we’re expected to just accept it. For some reason, falling to pieces during yoga class because you’re lonely is socially more forgivable than being logical and directly saying, “I’m new around here, and I think you’re cool. Would you like to be my friend?”
When you’re rational and direct, Americans read between the lines and assume you mean something different.
But here?
You can say ‘I feel very lonely’, just don’t have the emotion in the words. No emphasis, no agitation, no visible feeling. And certainly don’t expect someone to take pity on you and decide to fit you into their social calendar.
They’re booked for the next six months (but that’s a story for a different day).
But not sharing emotion feels like I’m not being true to myself.
Things that feel natural to me — enthusiasm, expressiveness, visible emotion — register as social violations here.
In America, I moderated my words so as not to cause inadvertent offense. But here, I moderate my delivery: lowering my voice. Flattening my affect. Choosing more neutral body language. Or just not talking at all.
Not because I’ve consciously decided to assimilate, but because the constant low-level feedback of stares and subtle disapproval shapes behavior whether you want it to or not.
American culture, now more than ever, celebrates standing out. Be yourself at all costs. Express your individuality. Make your mark.
People like to think the American dream is about having a house with a white-picket fence in the suburbs with a single working parent and two and a half kids with a dog. Stepford wives style.
But it’s not.
The American dream is fundamentally about exceptionalism, about being not normal, about rising above the ordinary. We’re taught from childhood that being average or normal is something to avoid, even be ashamed of.
Dolly Parton, Rosa Parks, Lady Gaga, RuPaul, and even Oprah Winfrey. Love them or hate them, these people are all famous for being who they are, unapologetically, and being seen as exceptional because of it. The nail that sticks up doesn’t get hammered down in America — it gets a book deal and a TED talk, or becomes the President despite having no idea what you’re doing.
So living in a culture where the central directive is ‘blend in, don’t stand out, normal is the goal’ creates constant cognitive dissonance.
Oddly, you actually can speak your mind in the Netherlands, arguably more directly than in America. But you’d better not be emotional about it. Work through the feelings in private, then present your conclusions calmly and rationally.
A lot of Americans process externally, throwing all their feelings at whoever is around. And we’re expected to just accept it. For some reason, falling to pieces during yoga class because you’re lonely is socially more forgivable than being logical and directly saying, “I’m new around here, and I think you’re cool. Would you like to be my friend?”
When you’re rational and direct, Americans read between the lines and assume you mean something different.
But here?
You can say ‘I feel very lonely’, just don’t have the emotion in the words. No emphasis, no agitation, no visible feeling. And certainly don’t expect someone to take pity on you and decide to fit you into their social calendar.
They’re booked for the next six months (but that’s a story for a different day).
But not sharing emotion feels like I’m not being true to myself.
Things that feel natural to me — enthusiasm, expressiveness, visible emotion — register as social violations here.
In America, I moderated my words so as not to cause inadvertent offense. But here, I moderate my delivery: lowering my voice. Flattening my affect. Choosing more neutral body language. Or just not talking at all.
Not because I’ve consciously decided to assimilate, but because the constant low-level feedback of stares and subtle disapproval shapes behavior whether you want it to or not.
Doe normaal: what it gives and what it takes
There are things I genuinely appreciate about doe normaal.
The way it creates a baseline of consideration for others. The way it prevents the kind of performative narcissism that American culture can encourage. The egalitarianism it enforces: nobody gets to act like they’re more important than anyone else.
Dutch society works in large part because of doe normaal.
The trains run mostly on time because everyone follows the rules. Public spaces stay clean because nobody thinks they’re special enough to be an exception. The social safety net functions because there’s a shared understanding that we’re all in this together, that nobody’s individual desires trump the collective good.
But there’s a cost to all that functionality.
Doe normaal can be stifling. It punishes creativity, eccentricity, and enthusiasm. It creates a culture where fitting in is valued more than standing out, where being remarkable is suspect. It makes me hyperaware of my own existence in public spaces in a way I never was in America.
The way it creates a baseline of consideration for others. The way it prevents the kind of performative narcissism that American culture can encourage. The egalitarianism it enforces: nobody gets to act like they’re more important than anyone else.
Dutch society works in large part because of doe normaal.
The trains run mostly on time because everyone follows the rules. Public spaces stay clean because nobody thinks they’re special enough to be an exception. The social safety net functions because there’s a shared understanding that we’re all in this together, that nobody’s individual desires trump the collective good.
But there’s a cost to all that functionality.
Doe normaal can be stifling. It punishes creativity, eccentricity, and enthusiasm. It creates a culture where fitting in is valued more than standing out, where being remarkable is suspect. It makes me hyperaware of my own existence in public spaces in a way I never was in America.
The linguistic evidence
When I started writing this piece, I was gung-ho to use linguistics to prove wrong anyone who argues that this phrase can mean “be yourself.”
But after hours of discussing this topic with my husband, friends, and inquiring with a doctor of linguistics, who provided ample reading material to help me make a decision, I have ultimately decided that this debate exists because the phrase is heavily context dependent, both regarding the situation and your relationship with the person who says it.
If you are a language nerd or even remotely interested, the rest of this section breaks down the argument. If you’re happy to take me at my word, feel free to skip to the next section; you won’t lose much.
But after hours of discussing this topic with my husband, friends, and inquiring with a doctor of linguistics, who provided ample reading material to help me make a decision, I have ultimately decided that this debate exists because the phrase is heavily context dependent, both regarding the situation and your relationship with the person who says it.
If you are a language nerd or even remotely interested, the rest of this section breaks down the argument. If you’re happy to take me at my word, feel free to skip to the next section; you won’t lose much.
Definitions of gewoon and normaal
According to Van Dale’s dictionary (Van Dale being the most accepted Dutch dictionary, like Oxford for English), normaal means overeenkostig de regel, regelmatig, gewoon — in accordance with the rule, regular, ordinary.
It explicitly refers to conforming to a standard or norm.
Gewoon is a bit more complex. The Cambridge Dutch-English Dictionary defines it with multiple meanings. First, as ordinary, usual, normal when used as an adjective, but also notes that it can mean accustomed, particularly in the sense of being accustomed to something, having it as a habit. The word carries connotations of both what is common/ordinary and of what one is personally used to (as in, being yourself).
If the full phrase can be either doe maar normaal or doe maar gewoon, then why did doe normaal become the shortened version that everyone actually uses? Why not doe gewoon?
Because the meanings can point in fundamentally different directions depending on the word. Gewoon, with its sense of accustomed, could theoretically support the “be yourself” interpretation; act as you’re accustomed to acting.
But normaal? That unambiguously means conform to what is standard, what everyone else is doing, what fits the norm.
The fact that doe normaal won out as the everyday shorthand suggests something about which interpretation dominates.
It explicitly refers to conforming to a standard or norm.
Gewoon is a bit more complex. The Cambridge Dutch-English Dictionary defines it with multiple meanings. First, as ordinary, usual, normal when used as an adjective, but also notes that it can mean accustomed, particularly in the sense of being accustomed to something, having it as a habit. The word carries connotations of both what is common/ordinary and of what one is personally used to (as in, being yourself).
If the full phrase can be either doe maar normaal or doe maar gewoon, then why did doe normaal become the shortened version that everyone actually uses? Why not doe gewoon?
Because the meanings can point in fundamentally different directions depending on the word. Gewoon, with its sense of accustomed, could theoretically support the “be yourself” interpretation; act as you’re accustomed to acting.
But normaal? That unambiguously means conform to what is standard, what everyone else is doing, what fits the norm.
The fact that doe normaal won out as the everyday shorthand suggests something about which interpretation dominates.
The grammar of doe normaal
The definitions left me leaning toward thinking this phrase means “behave in a socially acceptable manner” but I wasn’t convinced, so I decided to look at the construction of the sentence.
In English, we distinguish between act normal (be a normal person) and act normally (perform actions in a manner that feels normal to you). The first is about achieving a state of being, the second is about how you do things.
In Dutch, adjectives and adverbs often share the same form — there’s no equivalent of adding “-ly” to create an adverb.[1] But the grammatical function still matters.
In English, we distinguish between act normal (be a normal person) and act normally (perform actions in a manner that feels normal to you). The first is about achieving a state of being, the second is about how you do things.
In Dutch, adjectives and adverbs often share the same form — there’s no equivalent of adding “-ly” to create an adverb.[1] But the grammatical function still matters.
"doen" + adjective describes something about the subject's behavior
The construction doen + adjective (like doe normaal, doe gek, or doe aardig) is a special case in Dutch grammar. When you use doen with an adjective, the adjective describes something about the subject’s behavior — not the person themselves, just their behavior. [2]
To make things more complex, gewoon/normaal are exceptional amongst these doen constructions because they “simply express a state of affairs.” They are neutral commands while other doen + adjective combinations carry negative connotations or implications of insincerity.[3]
Jap is aardig = Jap is nice.
Jap doet aardig = Jap does nice, Jap is behaving in a manner that is nice, but he is not sincere.
So “doe normaal” is commanding you to make your behavior in a state of normalness. The question remains: normal according to whom? Your own standards or society’s?
Unfortunately, the grammar doesn’t really answer that definitively, so I have no choice but to accept the context-dependent take on things.
My husband gave me a perfect example to illustrate this: Let’s say you’re going out with a friend to an event where the other guests are likely to wear boots, flats, or heels. You normally wear close-toed flats so you opt for a classy pair that look good with your dress.
When asked her opinion, you friend says, “Ah nee, doe normaal.” Here, this means “behave in a socially acceptable way. Don’t embarrass yourself.”
But if you were to instead choose heels, and your friend says, “Nee! Doe normaal!” it would mean, “Do what you normally do and stick with flats. Be comfortable.”
To make things more complex, gewoon/normaal are exceptional amongst these doen constructions because they “simply express a state of affairs.” They are neutral commands while other doen + adjective combinations carry negative connotations or implications of insincerity.[3]
Jap is aardig = Jap is nice.
Jap doet aardig = Jap does nice, Jap is behaving in a manner that is nice, but he is not sincere.
So “doe normaal” is commanding you to make your behavior in a state of normalness. The question remains: normal according to whom? Your own standards or society’s?
Unfortunately, the grammar doesn’t really answer that definitively, so I have no choice but to accept the context-dependent take on things.
My husband gave me a perfect example to illustrate this: Let’s say you’re going out with a friend to an event where the other guests are likely to wear boots, flats, or heels. You normally wear close-toed flats so you opt for a classy pair that look good with your dress.
When asked her opinion, you friend says, “Ah nee, doe normaal.” Here, this means “behave in a socially acceptable way. Don’t embarrass yourself.”
But if you were to instead choose heels, and your friend says, “Nee! Doe normaal!” it would mean, “Do what you normally do and stick with flats. Be comfortable.”
What the Dutch don't see
Dutch people will sometimes express frustration with American individualism: the self-centeredness, the lack of consideration for others, the main character energy. And they’re not wrong. American individualism can be exhausting and narcissistic.
But when I try to explain what it feels like to live under doe normaal as an American, I often get defensive responses. “We’re not conformist! We’re just practical. We’re not judging you, we’re just surprised by [insert thing that is completely normal where I’m from].”
There’s a blindness on both sides. As an immigrant, I don’t have the linguistic or cultural fluency to catch the nuances that would tell me which version of “doe normaal” is being deployed in real time. So I default to assuming it means the former, because no one close to me is saying it.
And given how often I am stared at, I think it’s safe to assume my assumption is correct.
But when I try to explain what it feels like to live under doe normaal as an American, I often get defensive responses. “We’re not conformist! We’re just practical. We’re not judging you, we’re just surprised by [insert thing that is completely normal where I’m from].”
There’s a blindness on both sides. As an immigrant, I don’t have the linguistic or cultural fluency to catch the nuances that would tell me which version of “doe normaal” is being deployed in real time. So I default to assuming it means the former, because no one close to me is saying it.
And given how often I am stared at, I think it’s safe to assume my assumption is correct.
"doen" + adjective describes something about the subject's behavior
But the Dutch don’t see how powerful the social enforcement of doe normaal actually is, precisely because it’s so embedded in the culture. And perhaps here in the countryside, where traditional Dutch culture is more concentrated and less diluted by international influences, that enforcement is simply more visible to me than it would be to someone living in Amsterdam or Rotterdam.
Trying to open a Dutchie’s eyes to see this enforcement is like asking a fish to describe water.
And maybe that’s the real insight: doe normaal isn’t just a phrase.
It’s the water Dutch culture swims in.
Understanding it is essential to understanding everything else about life here, from how people spend money to how they organize their social lives to how they react to a foreigner speaking English to their son in the grocery store.
Act normal. That’s crazy enough already.
For the Dutch, that’s the foundation of a functional society.
For me, it’s a daily reminder that I will never fit in here.
Trying to open a Dutchie’s eyes to see this enforcement is like asking a fish to describe water.
And maybe that’s the real insight: doe normaal isn’t just a phrase.
It’s the water Dutch culture swims in.
Understanding it is essential to understanding everything else about life here, from how people spend money to how they organize their social lives to how they react to a foreigner speaking English to their son in the grocery store.
Act normal. That’s crazy enough already.
For the Dutch, that’s the foundation of a functional society.
For me, it’s a daily reminder that I will never fit in here.
1. [Broekhuis, H. (2013) Syntax of Dutch: Adjectives and Adjective Phrases. Amsterdam University Press,p. 10]
“In contrast to English, adverbially used adjectives are not inflected and therefore not morphologically distinguished from the other adjectives in Dutch; there is no such thing as the English -ly suffix in Dutch. Consequently, we can only conclude that we are dealing with an adverbially used adjective by taking recourse to the meaning of the construction under discussion, that is, by determining whether the adjective modifies a noun phrase or an AP, VP or PP.”
In layman’s terms, this means that unlike English, Dutch doesn’t throw the equivalent of an ‘-ly’ ending onto an adjective to make it an adverb. Adjectives and adverbs can only be distinguished by looking at the construction of the sentence. The placement of the word tells you whether the word is referring to a verb or a noun.
“In contrast to English, adverbially used adjectives are not inflected and therefore not morphologically distinguished from the other adjectives in Dutch; there is no such thing as the English -ly suffix in Dutch. Consequently, we can only conclude that we are dealing with an adverbially used adjective by taking recourse to the meaning of the construction under discussion, that is, by determining whether the adjective modifies a noun phrase or an AP, VP or PP.”
In layman’s terms, this means that unlike English, Dutch doesn’t throw the equivalent of an ‘-ly’ ending onto an adjective to make it an adverb. Adjectives and adverbs can only be distinguished by looking at the construction of the sentence. The placement of the word tells you whether the word is referring to a verb or a noun.
2. [Broekhuis, H. (2013) Syntax of Dutch: Adjectives and Adjective Phrases. Amsterdam University Press,p. 558]
“…the adjective is predicated of the subject itself (Jan is mad) in the copular construction, but expresses something about the subject’s behavior (Jan’s behavior is weird) in the doen-construction”
“…the adjective is predicated of the subject itself (Jan is mad) in the copular construction, but expresses something about the subject’s behavior (Jan’s behavior is weird) in the doen-construction”
3. [Broekhuis, H. (2013) Syntax of Dutch: Adjectives and Adjective Phrases. Amsterdam University Press,p. 559]
“…the constructions with gewoon/normaal ‘normal’ in (4c) are more neutral and simply express a state of affairs.”
“…the constructions with gewoon/normaal ‘normal’ in (4c) are more neutral and simply express a state of affairs.”
Anne-Marie Traas
